A reflection on the topic of trust


Trusting someone, especially your significant other can be hard at times. It's something needed in every relationship but most of the time trust has more to do with ourselves than with those around us.

It’s one o’clock in the morning. He hasn’t closed his eyes nor fallen asleep. He rolls over to the side of his bed and grabs his phone. The bright penetrating blue light is hitting his face. He is glancing at the screen and sees a message he had been waiting on. “I am home, honey!” It says. He puts the phone back where it was before and grabs his blanket. He rolls himself into his blanket and falls asleep. Wondering why he stayed up so long. Why he waited all night long to see that one simple line of text. Did he not trust her? Wasn’t she, his girlfriend? He should trust her more. Yes, that is what he was going to do. Trust her.

A few weeks passed and all felt right. It was a Saturday morning when she texted him. “Hi love, I am going out tonight again. What are you going to do?” He replied, “Why are you going out tonight?” Not even responding to the loving question she asked him. She replied, “one of my friends invited me to join them on a night out, so I thought why not?” He was furious. But why? “Not replying would be the best thing to do,” he thought. Once again he stayed up the entire night. Worrying in anger and frustration. “Why would she go out? What if she would get drunk? What if…? What if…? What if…?” One after the other question popped up in his head. Finally, his phone vibrated on the side of his desk. He was still up playing some video games. He glanced at it and saw that it was her. It was a long message he could see that. He couldn’t see what was written though. He grabbed the phone. Paused his video game and glanced back at the phone. He unlocked it and read the message. “Hi love, I love you so so much. I wanted to just say to you how much I appreciate you and how wonderful my night has been. How was yours?”

A sigh of relief released him from all the tension that had been in his body for the last couple of hours. She was okay. He was okay. He could go to sleep now. He turned off the video game and went straight to bed. Rolling himself into his warm blanket and falling asleep. Wondering why he didn’t trust her yet again?

Trust has nothing to do with the other

It’s hard to trust someone. Not always of course. Mostly the moment in which you can not control things your trust will diminish. Trust is being okay with the lack of control. That is all it is. If we lack trust, we lack control over the situation. If we trust we accept that we have no control over the situation. Therefore it is okay. You aren’t stressed or annoyed because of it. This story is a simple illustration of how trust can ruin your life. Now in this case it only ruins his life. He is consumed by it. Luckily she has nothing to do with it. That doesn’t mean this can’t be the case with you. It’s okay that you lack trust right now. It’s okay that you get frustrated sometimes. Just know that the problem isn’t with the other person but with you.

Why? Well because of two things. Either you made the wrong decision because the other person really can’t be trusted. He or she just does what she pleases and doesn’t care about you. In this case, you are right the trust issue isn’t your fault. The choice is yours though. The second is that you have too much of control addiction to trust the other person. Now, this is your problem. Not that of your significant other. If you lack trust and you can have an honest opinion of knowing that it is your mistake then you can do these simple things.

Practice letting go

Now, this is a spiritual practice that has been taught in al religions as far as I know. I mostly came across it in Buddhism. Where the act of letting go is associated with letting go of the ego-mind. This practice helped me trust more step by step. I ain’t perfect and there is a lot to learn still. But the practice of letting go has transformed not only my relationship but the rest of my life as well. So how do you do it? It is quite simple. You either take a moment to sit and stare in front of you or grab something you can write on. Preferably a piece of paper. Now visualize how letting goes feels. See how, in the moments where you lack trust, you can let go and feel happy. If you use a pen and paper write it down. Just visualizing how you will let go and associating a positive feeling with it will help you trust someone.

Understand what it is you don’t trust

Now you know that the trust issue has nothing to do with your significant other. But what is it associated with then? Again take the time to write this down. In my case, I was scared of my girlfriend drinking too much and therefore not making choices she was proud of. This wasn’t because of her, but because of the image, I held around going out. To me going out has always been associated with people drinking a lot and thereafter hooking up with others or doing stupid things. This mental image was then projected on my relationship. This wasn’t benefiting it. So I started to use the practice of letting go, to let go of this mental image. To see that going out can also be drinking just a few beers and then leaving again. It doesn’t have to be this drinking party.

In short, trust is most of the time an issue with yourself, not with your significant other. Trust is being okay with the lack of control. The lack of control can be practiced by letting go and understanding what you do not trust. This way you can really impact your relationship for the better.

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