How can I write to help you if I don’t even feel worthy of it myself? How can I write something that can help you, if I don’t think I have any value to share. How can I help you, make you understand, or see if I do not see myself? What if I don’t feel worthy of speaking to you, in the roles of writer and reader.
I feel that I am not worthy of the position of a writer, because to me I feel unworthy of that position. It implies that I am in a different position than you, that I am better than you are. Because I as the writer should be the one with the knowledge, the one with the wisdom. It’s why we read. To either be amused, or entertained, or to be educated. Which in this case is to be educated.
But I cannot do that. I cannot educate, or teach you anything. You see I cannot do that unless we are equals. If you and I are on the same level, on the same wavelength. I cannot teach you, or educate you. I am not worthy of that position. I want you to know that, to be honest with you. Because I feel that writing has in many cases become a way of showing how educated one is, or how much knowledge one has.
It’s all about PhDs or doctors who write about the topic that they studied years, and years for. It’s about the people who are in some way qualified to write, who have the knowledge to write. It’s not often that we write from a standpoint of equals. It has been bothering me for a while now because writing isn’t about proving or showing that you are qualified enough to help, writing isn’t to educate, or teaching another something. I feel that writing is about having a conversation, a connection between you and me. As equal human beings.
What if You Feel Unworthy
I don’t often feel qualified to talk to you and teach you something. I’ve never shared this with you before, but it’s time to clear that up. To gently step of the pedestal of being a writer. You see, although in some topics I have learned a lot, and have come to understand a lot through observing myself, I have never understood why I don’t feel worthy of writing about it. That isn’t to say that I didn’t write about it, I did, and most of the time the stories turned out great. But always with this tone of voice of “see I know so much, let me show you my knowledge”.
This is a way of writing that’s fairly common now, to see people write to share their knowledge to help you or to teach you something. It’s either because the writer has acquired a vast amount of knowledge in the form of a degree or Ph.D., or the writer has acquired that knowledge through personal experience and feels, therefore, worthy to write about it.
But what if you feel unworthy to write? What if you feel unworthy to share what you know? Why do we even feel unworthy of anything in the first place? At this very moment, I feel unworthy to write to you, I feel unworthy of sharing anything with you. Therefore I am in the midst of uncovering this feeling of unworthiness with you. I am in the fields of exploration with you, so to say.
Blaming another for my feeling of unworthiness would only give away the power. Which I don’t want to do, for once I want to grip that power myself because that power is what makes you feel worthy of whomever you are.
In my case, I feel unworthy to write, to share what I know, because I feel like it’s not enough. I feel like a fraud, but why do I feel like a fraud? When I ask myself that question I want to blame it on someone else. I want to blame why I feel unworthy on others, on memories of the past, and myself. I want to blame the people that over the years have made me feel unworthy through their actions. But I know that this wouldn’t solve the problem of feeling unworthy. Blaming another for my feeling of unworthiness would only give away the power. Which I don’t want to do, for once I want to grip that power myself because that power is what makes you feel worthy of whomever you are.
So if there is no one to blame for my feeling of unworthiness why do I still feel it then? Why do I feel unworthy of writing, and sharing my message with the world?
An Image in Your Head
I feel unworthy to take the seat of the writer and embrace it because in my head there’s an image of what that would be. Of what a good writer looks like, an image of worthiness. That writer sits at their desk, has the knowledge and wisdom to write, they acquired that themselves through years of study, or self-observation. And most of all that writer is in a state of bliss, of always smiling and every word the writer puts on the page is marvelous and magnificent.
We create a desired image of something, of someone, of a future event. That desired image of the writer I just described, that’s my image of self-worth.
That’s the image, the incredibly high standard, I’ve attached to my self-worth. If I cannot meet that standard, that image, I am unworthy. And this is what unworthiness is, this is why we feel unworthy. We create a desired image of something, of someone, of a future event. That desired image of the writer I just described, that’s my image of self-worth. If I meet that image I am worthy of being a writer. If I am not meeting that image, I am unworthy of calling myself a writer, let alone share my message.
And being a writer isn’t the only desired image I hold, that determines my worthiness. I have images on when I am worthy to ask money for my craft. I have images on when I am worthy of love. I have images on when I am worthy to buy something. The biggest of all is the image on when I am worthy of calling myself successful and actually allowing myself to achieve that success. I know that success isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s the fact that I feel unworthy of even achieving little success that I am unconsciously denying myself of it.
I feel unworthy in so many places in my life, and that feeling of being unworthy is crippling in so many ways. The images I hold for myself that determine my worthiness must come from somewhere. The high standard I attach to being worthy they must be born somewhere, but where? Where do these ideas of either being worthy, or unworthy come from? That’s the question, why do you and I feel unworthy.
Feeling Worthy, is it Possible?
To feel unworthy, there must be an image in our head, that resembles what it means to be worthy. When we meet that image we are worthy, but most of the time this image is so perfect, has such a high standard, that it’s just impossible to feel worthy at all. That image of being worthy as a writer for me has so many aspects to it, and all of those different rules or requirements must be met. Because that’s really what these images in our heads are, they are requirements, rules, that we have created for ourselves that determine our worth.
To feel unworthy, there must be an image in our head, that resembles what it means to be worthy. When we meet that image we are worthy, but most of the time this image is so perfect, has such a high standard, that it’s just impossible to feel worthy at all.
Which answers the question I had, where does the idea of being worthy or unworthy come from. It’s from not hitting those requirements. Of not being able to meet the rules. But where do the rules, and requirements come from? They come from so many different places. From the news, internet, social media, actual people we admire and look up to, fantasies of ours, our parents, family, friends, and this list can go on. That’s why I can’t blame anyone for my feeling of unworthiness. It’s me, that picked and choose all different assets and requirements and meld them together to create ‘the perfect image’.
Either your perfect idea is easy to achieve or unachievable. In both cases, we are determining our self-worth on the account of requirements, or things outside ourselves that we must meet.
That perfect idea then becomes our requirement for being worthy. That perfect idea could be small, and easily achievable, or it could be unreachable. In both cases, we are determining our self-worth on the account of requirements, or things outside ourselves that we must meet. And what I now really want to know, and you probably as well, is: how do we let go of this perfect idea and stop attaching our self-worth to it. And instead, always see that we are worthy of being. That we as we are, are worthy.
Because that’s what is thrown around on the internet under the term ‘self-love’. Self-love is nothing more than feeling worthy, of accepting oneself. So can we feel worthy? Can we do something, or let go of something so that we can feel worthy all the time?
I don’t think we can, because that would mean that we can only feel worthy if we can let go of all the ideas and requirements we have. Which in itself is still a requirement, it’s still a perfect idea, a mark we must hit, in order to feel worthy of ourselves.
Yet that doesn’t mean we can’t be feeling what it feels like to be worthy. You see, being worthy is nothing more than a feeling, it’s a feeling of being accepted as you are. But the moment you make being worthy your goal, you aren’t worthy anymore. That’s because making worthiness your goal means you aren’t worthy right now, as you are. To feel worthy is to understand that the whole concept of being worthy or unworthy is based upon goals, upon desires of the future.
Let go of it, and see that whatever you are right now is worthy and that you only feel unworthy the moment you don’t want to be what you are right now.
When we want to be successful we create an image of it, and only when we hit that image we can be worthy. But this is the same when we say I want to love myself as I am and feel worthy as I am, that would make it a goal as well, making you unworthy if you at any moment in time strive to reach your goal. So the only way forward, the only real growth here, is to let go of the idea of being worthy or unworthy. Let go of it, and see that whatever you are right now is worthy and that you only feel unworthy the moment you don’t want to be what you are right now.
We let go of our desires, or our ideal images, of the idea that we must be feeling worthy. If we can do that, if we can see that as you are right now, you are worthy, then you can truly feel the gift of self-worth. Which also means that you are worthy even when you feel unworthy. That’s the paradox of it all. To come back to my idea of not being worthy to call myself a writer, I now see that calling myself a writer is nothing more than a goal. Which has nothing to do with the actual act of writing. It’s just a word that I can call myself. And the idea of being a good enough writer is nothing more than requirements. I’m fine with that, I am fine with the idea that I might not be a worthy writer, which means that I feel worthy as I am to speak to you. Because we are going through the same life, and I no longer feel the need to teach you anything. We are equals.
I hope I do teach you something, but it’s not something that determines my self-worth anymore. Nor that damages our relationship together. Nothing hurts my self-worth anymore actually. I am. That’s what makes me feel alive. So I can end my day and say Today I Lived, I am worthy of being alive.