Couple kissing
20:00 | Apr 13, 2020

I was that guy

who never kissed before.


It all started so suddenly. I gave up. You never liked me. I did like you. Yet you didn’t. So I almost gave up. Two years. Working together. Spending time with friends here and there. You seemed to be more interested in them than me. I can see why. I was that guy who never kissed before. The awkward one. I would rather sit with you underneath the stars. Talking for hours than touch your lips on the first date. 

Even though they looked like a soft freshly made bed. Forming around my body. My heart was on my lips, longing for a soft touch. Yet I was that guy who never kissed before. So I swallowed it back in. We were not a thing yet. I knew that. I didn’t dare ask you. You were free. That I could see. It was obvious. The piercing flames in your eyes gave that away. You did things I could never agree to. Yet, I still loved you. My heart was still on my tongue every time I spoke to you. It got hurt many times. By the stories you told. About the parties you had, the wild stories you had. No it didn’t scare me. 

I never told you but you appeared in my dreams. Sometimes even when I was awake. My heart stopped beating for me. It started to hit for you. Now that might sound cheesy. But i’ve always loved cheese so there’s nothing wrong with that. I remember I was standing in a hot, sweaty club. I didn’t know if I was soaked with sweat, beer or other beverages. The lights blinded me. I knew you weren’t there. Still I scanned the room. Hoping to see you. I knew you were somewhere else. Somewhere with another guy. I was with friends, so I tried to stop. I couldn’t. I saw you! – No, it wasn’t you. Sadly. Then again, I saw you. – No, it wasn’t you again. I was day dreaming, in the middle of the night, in a hot sweaty club. Yes I really was. I wanted to text you this. I didn’t dare to. I was still that guy who never kissed before. 

Life went on. We kept working together and I forgot about you. At least I thought I did. Never did I though. You just sank away in the void of my mind. Still there, yes still there. Never was I alone during that part of my life. I always felt someone was with me. I got jealous of all the guys that you laughed with. I have always had this desire to make people smile. Whatever it took. I did stupid things, made stupid jokes, said stupid things just to make others smile. I still remember making you smile. I set aside my fears. Put them along side the dirty dishes and pushed them in the dishwasher. For a minute or two they where gone. So I danced. Did my silly dance in front of you. In front of my best friend as well. We laughed. You laughed. I blushed and turned away grabbing my fears from the dish rack. Hoping you hadn’t seen the shameful marks on my skin. I still was that guy who never kissed before. 

Maybe it was because of my amazing dance moves, but you and me. Me and you. We started to text. More often than not. All throughout summer. You stayed at home. I visited France. I wasn’t ashamed anymore. It might have been because of the distance between us. It felt safe to me. I laid underneath the stars texting with you. Funny, I always wanted to spend the night underneath the stars talking. So I did. It just wasn’t what I expected. But it was pleasant. The grass tickled in my ear, which felt like you where next to me. It’s so weird. In my mind we were together already. All this time. I never stopped loving you. Did you ever? I don’t think so. Cause I was still that guy who never kissed before. 

Me walking

You asked me out for a date. Yes you did. I would never dare to. I was too scared for that. I said yes. So it happened. I remember my heart pounding in my chest. Armpits punching out sweat, soaking my fresh white shirt. ‘Fuck why didn’t I think of this.’ It’s too late. The doorbell rings. I open the door. In my head I had already opened it a hundred different ways. I decided to open it and look at you and say you looked beautiful. Instead, I opened the door and tried to give you a hand shake while you tried to hug me. It was so embarrassing. You laughed. So I laughed. I invited you in and out of anxiety and fear I instantly asked you want you wanted to drink. You hadn’t even took of your coat yet. 

I grabbed two beers from the fridge, yes beers that’s how awesome you are. You sat down on the couch, so I asked you to come outside with me. It had to come true. A first date talking underneath the stars. So we sat. Drinking a few beers, talking till late into the night. It was two in the morning and you wanted to go home. That was fine by me. I asked if I had to come with you. No was your answer. You were fine on your own. Your eyes told me something different. They begged me to come with you. I didn’t. I stayed at home. Letting you go back home all alone. Still the guy who never kissed before. 

Later I had decided this was a stupid decision. It would have been my chance to finally kiss her. My friends laughed at me for not kissing her. I didn’t care one single bit. I had one of the most amazing nights of my entire life. Sitting underneath the stars just talking with you. It was simple yet all I needed. We decided to do this more often. So next week we together with colleagues went to the bar. You were on the other side of the table. I sat next to two best friends. We occasionally looked each other in the eyes. Instantly lost while others were looking at us laughing. It was way too obvious. You still smoked though, that was my excuse to say you weren’t the one. To pretend I wasn’t completely sold for two years now. On that night I did decide to cycle with you all the way to just around the corner of your street. You didn’t want your parents to see me, I was fine with that. So we stood there. Looking in each others eyes, you found that fucking scary. So you turned away most of the time. Starting a new conversation. Then it started to rain. Softly but noticeable. I had to go all the way back home so it was time to leave. 

I gave you a hug and was about to turn away and leave. Still as the boy who had never kissed before. But you grabbed me by the arm. Pulled me back and kissed me. I didn’t know what to do. I had only seen movies of people kissing in the rain. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, my feet, my lips nor my tongue. But you kissed me. All disappeared. I probably still was that clumsy dude. Yet never again would I just be that guy who never kissed before. 

The rain kept getting worse, but we didn’t care. A perfect symbolic meaning for the things we didn’t yet know we had to go through together. Now, more than one year later. I needed to remember this. Needed to remember that once I was that guy who never kissed before. Still never gave up loving you. No matter what shit you would do. It was your soul I fell in love with.   

Feel free to send me a message on what ever way you want to. Thanks for reading dear dear reader, I am eternally grateful for that. Enjoy the rest of your day cause ‘Today You Live’!

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