The enormity of the mountains ahead daunted her. The thought of climbing them to the top sounded insane. But for the first time in ages, she felt that this was the right thing to do. This was what she wanted for her life right now. Why? She didn’t know exactly.
A few days ago she sat at the dinner table with her boyfriend. They were in the middle of a fight, about… She wasn’t really sure anymore what the fight was about. All she knew was that she was the one who caused the fight. She couldn’t blame him, he had nothing to do with what she was mad about. The pebbles crunched underneath her feet, as she left the main road and made the first steps on the road up the mountain.
She smiled at the thought of him because he was the one who made her realize that… A tear rolled down her face. The sun bursted out from behind the clouds and fell upon her skin then quickly disappeared again. He had reminded her of what was wrong. Of everything that had been bothering her for so long.
“One simple question was all it took to break her.”
One simple question was all it took to break her. Although she was furious at him, probably for not cleaning up his clothes or something, he remained calm. Almost saintly calm actually. She remembered that he had gotten up, and asked her if she wanted a cup of tea. A peaceful, and extraordinary loving gesture. She felt loved, and respected by him, all because he got up to grab a cup of tea for them.
He wasn’t afraid of a fight, nor did he let her get under his skin. She knew that he had a busy day at work, but never the less he showed her that he had time to listen. He was willing to change his schedule. All of that because he got her a cup of tea. Another tear rolled down her face and her hand touched her heart. She loved him.
“What do you want?” He asked when he sat down at the dinner table again. He had decided to sit next to her, which reminded her that they were on the same team. Again she smiled. “This man…” She thought to herself. It was that one question that broke her. “What do you want?” He had asked again in a soft voice, grabbing one of her hands. Gripping it tightly in his soft and warm hands. He looked her in the eyes, and…
What Do You Want?
All of a sudden all the anger, all the pend up anger within her released, it was as if a sledgehammer hit her heart so hard that it cracked open. But in a good way. The wall she had built around it was broken. All the anger that she held onto released.
She looked upwards to the top of the mountain. A flock of birds flew by, and a shiver ran down her body. “What did she want in life?” She thought to herself again.
When he asked her, she stayed silent for what seemed last a lifetime. She stared at her cup of tea. She noticed the steam rising from it. She fiddled around with the teabag. An answer to his question didn’t seem to come up.
“The one simple question that can change the way you live your life is this: What do you want? If you don’t know what you want, how can you ask for it? Let alone, how can you experience it?“
In a soft voice, she said, “I don’t know… I really…” and just like at the dinner table she started crying. A sign that she had opened her heart again, that she decided that her life would change. The tears that dripped on the sandy path resembled her strength. Climbing up the mountain was the only thing she wanted to do today. Still, she wasn’t sure why.
She allowed the tears to flow, and the thought of what her boyfriend said next kept playing in her head. It made her smile again because this was the truth she had been waiting for, for so long. Her boyfriend smiled at her, gripped her hand firmly, as a sign of affection. He kissed her on the forehead and then whispered in her ear. “It’s okay, waiting is often the best thing to do when we don’t know what we want.” He hugged her, and then whispered in her other ear, “if we wait we might feel lost, and useless, but underneath that our hearts and souls are working their magic. They will combine forces and they will show you want it is you truly want.”
All she could do was cry. She knew she was lost. She knew that she didn’t know what she wanted from life. She was wasting her life, by working a job she didn’t like. She was wasting a perfectly great relationship with a man she loved dearly. She was reflecting her frustration with herself upon him. Her first reaction to his question was frustration. She remembered because she felt confronted with the fact that she was frustrated with herself for not knowing what to do.
The Clouds Will Clear
All over her Instagram, and YouTube, she saw people doing what they loved to do. Painters, writers, musicians, nurses, doctors. Everyone seemed to know perfectly well what they wanted from life. Yet there she was, unclear of where to go with her life. And instead, she had decided to destroy everything good that entered her life, or at least she was well on her way with doing that.
She was about halfway up the mountain now, the view wasn’t great. All she could see were grey clouds and trees that grew on the side of the mountain, and of course, on the other side were rocks and sand. Maybe this was exactly right, she thought. Maybe this was meant to be, it must be. I don’t know what I want. She thought to herself. I have no clue, I have no vision of where to go. My view is clouded, and blocked, just like my view right now is blocked by the many trees. The words of her boyfriend recited in her head again. “Waiting is often the best thing to do when you don’t know what you want in life.”
“I don’t need to know what to do, I don’t need to know what I want in life all at once.”
She smiled at herself. He was right. I don’t need to know what to do, I don’t need to know what I want in life all at once. On the side of the mountain grew a beautiful purple poppy. A bee just landed on it. She stopped for a moment and forget about everything she was worried about. Instead, she just enjoyed the little cute bee that was sipping on the nectar of the flower.
When the bee flew away she continued her journey up the mountain. The top of the mountain wasn’t far away, it was just around the corner. She remembered because she had walked up the mountain many times before when she was just a kid.
When she rounded the corner, she was confronted with nothing but grey clouds. The view she was hoping for wasn’t there. “What a waste of time.” She thought to herself.
She sat down on the ground with her back leaning against a large rock, gazing out into the grey mass of clouds. It was a depressing view. “Waiting is often the best thing to do when you don’t know what you want.” Again the words of her boyfriend sounded in her head. It was as if he was there with her, constantly reminding her that it was okay that sometimes things don’t go as you want them to go. She leaned into the rock, closed her eyes, and took a few deep breaths.
She felt her body relaxing until the blackness she saw as she closed her eyes was broken by a few orange and white spots. She felt the warmth of the sun on her face, and she opened her eyes. In front of her, she saw the clouds breaking open. The valley below showed itself, and the clouds together with the sun cast a gorgeous pattern of shadow and light on the little towns and fields of grass in the valley. She saw the cows gently grazing, and the cars driving on the roads.
“You were right.” She thought to herself.
“Waiting is the best thing to do when I don’t know what I want.” She softly whispered to herself. Although she didn’t know what to do with her life yet, she knew that the sun didn’t burst out from behind the clouds for no reason. It wanted to remind her that waiting and living was all she could do right now. Worrying about what she wanted in life would only make her feel worse about herself. She smiled and stayed there for the rest of the afternoon watching the sunset, and then she made her way back down.
Her feelings were right. Climbing the mountain was the right thing to do. She felt more peaceful than ever before in her life, which was strange because she still didn’t know what she wanted from her life. All she knew was that today she lived, she’d better make the most of it.
Waiting is Often the Best Thing To Do
Sometimes we don’t know what we want. Sometimes we don’t know what we are passionate about, or what we want to achieve in life. We don’t know our purpose, or what we are good at. We don’t know what makes us happy, or if we want to have a relationship with someone. We don’t know if we will be better, or what our lives will look like in the future. Sometimes, we just don’t know what we want. And that’s okay.
“The best antidote to not knowing what you want in life, to not knowing what you want to do, is to be patient.”
The best antidote is to wait. To be patient. Life has its path already laid out for you, just wait and see what comes up. Try things, walk up mountains if you feel that, that is the right thing to do. What matters is that you are making the most of your life, whether you know what you want or not. Let’s not forget that we aren’t on this planet for the sole purpose to fulfil our wants and needs. We are here to live, to experience life fully. So let’s make the most of everything we got.
Wait and see where life takes you. Do what you must, enjoy it. Live. Experiment. Try new things. Walk up your mountains, and wait for the views to clear. One day you’ll know what it is you want from life. Then ask it, and it will come to you. But don’t let that which you don’t know influence what you have right now. Because today you live! Make the most of it.