I have found myself more and more stuck in the continuous cycle of healing myself and trying to uncover that which is stuck within me. It feels like there is always something bothering me. A gnawing and empty feeling inside that ‘needs to be healed. It’s a puzzle to be solved, I feel. Some memory, or thought that I have yet to uncover. It makes me feel restless. At times even desperate. And I wanted to share this with you. That feeling of constant laking which I feel is often overshadowed by the belief that we should heal ourselves, or fix something within ourselves.
Part One: The Source
This morning I woke up with a strong feeling of discomfort. Not the first time in the past few weeks. It’s been a reoccurring theme with occasional breaks. The feeling lasts throughout the morning and then is resolved the moment I start to write. I make sure that my writing never pushes away how I feel, I never want to repress anything. Writing just simply has become a remedy for my aching soul and heart. That puts things at ease. But both the mornings and afternoons are still filled with a sense of emptiness. A sense of feeling repressed and dull. As if life is not flowing through me any longer and somewhere within my body it is blocked.
That’s the feeling that makes me believe there is something stuck, something that needs healing. Which makes me even more uneasy. I often use writing as a way to express my thoughts, and thus I sit down at my computer and start to write this blog post. I want these to be as real, as close to what I am going through at the moment. So I most of the time write when I am going through the experience. Where does this feeling come from? And more importantly, how can I fix it?
That is exactly what’s wrong. That’s the reason I keep on feeling dull, and stuck, and blocked. The reason why not only I but millions of people are feeling like they are never gonna be feeling fully alive. Never stepping into their power. The feeling that we should heal ourselves whenever we feel uncomfortable, or feel like something is stuck. That’s toxic. That’s the source of a new form of discontent that should be placed into the light.
It’s a toxic belief that we should always fix, or heal ourselves in a moment that we don’t feel good.
I feel like healing ourselves is an essential step towards happiness, but not this way. Not in the way that I’ve been going through this. It’s a toxic belief that we should always fix, or heal ourselves in a moment that we don’t feel good. It would mean that the moment we feel bad we aren’t to be accepted for who we are. Neither that we can love ourselves at these moments. We desperately try to find a book, class, blog post, Instagram account, or any other source of information that might help us heal this pain. This is an infinite loop, which as the name suggests won’t end. Unless we step out.
Part Two: The Infinite Loop of Discontent
Let me start by saying that if you feel the same as I do there is nothing wrong, nothing you should fix. That’s the entire point of this article. I feel like the moment I feel uneasy, uncomfortable, or blocked in some way, that I should heal myself. That I should find a way to fix it. That’s why I don’t want you to see this article as a fix to your problem. The fix to your problem right now is to not see it as a problem anymore, and therefore do not see the need to fix it anymore. That’s the infinite loop of discontent.
Our healing, or self-development process often starts at the moment we need it most. When we have completely broken down. It is at these moments that we indeed need to develop ourselves. Because living like the way we do isn’t gonna cut it. But as we heal this initial struggle we get to a place where actually life is fine. It is at this point that I am stuck right now. Feeling that even though life is fine, I have nothing to complain about, there is still something bothering me. There I fall into the infinite loop of discontent. Everything should be fine, yet there is still something bothering me. I feel like I have to fix it, then desperately try to find a way to fix it. I then fix it, feeling better for about a day or two, and then it either returns or something new arises. I again find a solution and the cycle continues. This is an everlasting loop of feeling the need to heal or develop oneself.
It is toxic, not as bad as drugs or other suppressive external factors are, but still toxic. Because we still don’t feel content with life, although we have fixed so many of our struggles and traumas, so many of our doubts and worries. But fixing things is just like drugs trying to get to a place in which you can feel blissful. In which you don’t need to feel the pain, in the belief that one day the pain will cease.
I have come to understand that there is no end to suffering, we don’t move through all this suffering to eventually end up in a suffer-free world.
Can you see how this is an infinite loop? Where we try to fix something, but how there is always something popping back up so that we never feel content and alive? I have come to understand that there is no end to this suffering, we don’t move through all this suffering to eventually end up in a suffer-free world. Because maybe we will reach a point where there is no internal trauma or suffering anymore. Yet that would still leave you feeling empty because now you have fixed everything, and now what? What’s next? You see, even when we have fixed all our suffering we still feel empty, just like we keep on doing drugs over and over again until the point we realize we still feel empty.
Part Three: Moving Beyond the Loop
That line of suffering will continue if we keep fixing instead of accepting.
There is a way to move beyond the loop of discontent. In which we can feel happy, and that is the path I am currently on. This is no fix, no practice, or key. It won’t magically make your discontent or suffering go away. The line of suffering will continue if we keep fixing instead of accepting. Therefore I will not give you a fix, a method, a practice. That would mean you, just as myself, are, and will never be, enough. It’s this belief that we should always fix our unhealed pains that create suffering.
Therefore I will not give you a fix, a method, a practice. That would mean you, just as myself, are, and will never be, enough. It’s this belief that we should always fix our unhealed pains that create suffering
If we just feel the pain there is no need to heal it. No need to fix it. There is no resistance to it. Therefore we don’t create suffering out of the pain we feel. Pain itself is inevitable as human beings. After all, we have a body with millions of nerve ends that will get damaged and hurt at times. But we don’t need to suffer. Because suffering is the pain of the mind. It is the mental pain we cause ourselves. It is the belief that we should fix something, or that we should heal something. That need is resisting the fact that you are experiencing pain right now.
We should not feel the need to fix anything, therefore we feel the need to not feel the need to fix it.
When we recognize this, that we don’t need to fix anything and can simply allow the moment to be as it is, we will feel alive. The tricky part is that even this can be seen as a fix. Here is why. Because we see it as something we should do. We should not feel the need to fix anything, therefore we feel the need to not feel the need to fix it. That’s a mind breaker. We should break this chain of feeling the need to do. Breaking this chain would mean being with whatever comes up. We don’t do anything. We can’t ‘do’ our way into being. We can only be if we drop it. It’s nothing we do. This is the hard part to wrap your head around, and that I can not yet put into words specifically. If this is even possible.
For us to move beyond the loop of discontent we cease to do. We cease the need to fix anything, to heal anything, and simply allow life as it is. Being. Instead of doing. That’s how we break the loop and start feeling content with life. Whatever life consists of for you right now. That means each day of your life you’ll be able to say Today I Lived!