I found myself stuck again. With the monsters that I created. They are in the same room as I am. I dare not look at them, and try to hide for them. The panic and anxiety hold control over my body. I am not paralyzed, but I am frozen in a feeling that I’d rather not experience. A feeling of tension, anxiety, stress, and restlessness. It’s a feeling that comes up when the monsters I created for myself come out of their hiding spots again. Most of the time the monsters are the same. They represent the same feelings, the same fears, and worries. The same memories and people. They are the monsters that I have not yet learned to love, they are still monsters because I am still too afraid to crawl out of my hiding spot and face them.
This is something I feel many of us are going through. Facing our inner monsters and demons. Those fears, traumas, and anxieties keep haunting us. They are the monsters we have created. They are the monsters that hide sometimes. Making us feel like we are all okay. But then all of a sudden they jump at us and make us feel that fear again. They come out at unexpected moments. They jump out when we hear that one song, that reminds us of that one memory. Or they jump out when someone gets mad, or frustrated, or doesn’t love us, and they remind us of the memory in our past where we weren’t loved. Or the monsters jump out when we sit in silence. When we are all alone with our thoughts and discomforts arise. They haunt us, where ever we go.
But I do believe that these monsters we create deserve a little love. Don’t you think?
Part One: We Create Them
We all have monsters. Demons within us, that terrify us. These monsters are our fears, our traumas, and anxieties, most of the time of our past. They haunt us during the nights and in moments of silence, because they know those are the moments we are weakest and most vulnerable to them. These monsters are created out of memories of the past. I have had many demons, but the one I am most afraid of now is the one linked to anger.
A few years ago I discovered that I am a High Sensitive Person (HSP) which means that I feel what others feel very vividly. It gives me the natural ability to be compassionate with others and to help others. But at the same time, it means that sensations are extra strong. It means that too many people in the same room overwhelm me. It means that talking to a stranger is highly draining to me. I feel and notice every little detail. I know if someone is annoyed by the way they move their mouth, or the vibration in their voice, even when they are trying to repress it. The most subtle clues I can pick up, that make things both draining, as well as incredibly beautiful. It also means that when others get angry with me I shut off. Anger is one of those emotions that’s really strong, that makes my system overload.
This means that when someone shouts, or gets angry, or starts a heavy discussion I can’t continue the conversation. It’s too much for me to handle, besides, having a conversation with anger involved is never a good idea. This natural avoidance of anger has created fears for me. Especially with my parents, as many of you might do too. Parents can get very angry with us, especially if they are stressed out. When someone is angry they naturally resort to shouting, using vial words, or manipulation, which to me are rather overwhelming, to say the least. This means that when my parents got mad at me it was way more frightening to me than it was to let’s say my sister or some of you. In my youth I didn’t know why I reacted so heavily towards anger, so that meant that I dealt with it by closing off. I ceased to talk with my parents when they were mad. I shut down, didn’t answer any of their questions, and started avoiding topics or conversations that might upset them.
Out of that, I created demons, monsters in my head. That now haunt me. I have created monsters from seemingly minor accidents and events, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t very lively to me. We all create demons and monsters out of memories. The thing is that those monsters of the past can’t hurt us anymore, and they are most certainly less daunting. Yet we dare not face them, because we are still that little kid, or teenager, who is afraid of what the monster represents. For me one of those monsters is representing my fear for my parents their anger. I fear that if I don’t follow their guidance they will get mad at me because this was often the cause of their frustration and anger with me when I was a teenager. I have created a monster out of this, that haunts me today when I have to make decisions that they are most likely not gonna like. Therefore I most of the time don’t dare to share it with them. I let that monster rule me, and control me.
Allowing this to happen pulls us out of our authentic life paths. If we fear those demons it means we will at some point decide to back off from something we would love to do but are afraid of doing because there is a demon blocking the path. Unless we take the first step. Which is to recognize that we have created the monster ourselves. That doesn’t mean we neglect it. That monster to us is real, for now. But to live your life, your authentic meaningful, loving, and joyful life we need to stop seeing it as a monster. The first step forward is to recognize that we have created this monster ourselves.
I have created a monster out of my fear of people who get angry with me. I have allowed that monster long enough to control a lot of my decisions in life. I now see that the monster isn’t related to what’s going on right now. That monster is based on a memory, on fights with my parents, where voices were raised and we got mean to one another. But those fights are no longer present, I can see that the monster is scaring my inner kid, but I am no longer a kid anymore. I am older now and have come to a part of my life were making decisions, big decisions, are part of my daily life. Only I can make those, and I can not let anyone influence those decisions, for that means I allow the monster to control how my life is going. To me, this means that I accept that some people will get mad. To you, this might mean that you dare to say hello to your crush because you stop fearing that he or she will hurt you. Or it could mean that you tell your spouse that something he or she does is hurting you.
Recognize that you have created a demon, a monster in your past. But also see that that monster is no longer necessary to protect you. That monster is no longer as daunting and scary as it was when you were a kid or a teenager. You can start loving it.
Part Two: We Can Love Them
To recognize that we have created these monsters and that we no longer grant them power doesn’t mean we force them away. That only makes them angrier. Just imagine how it would feel to you if someone shoved you away. As if a good friend of yours just all of a sudden pushed you out of their lives. You would both be sad, devastated, and furious probably, right? Why won’t those monsters feel the same?
The monsters we have created in our minds are us, they are part of us. They might for now, not be pleasant and loving parts of us, but they can be. This is a profound change for me. I’ve recognized monsters throughout my life and stopped granting them power, but never have I loved them afterward. Which always made them return to me. I always found myself in the same spot again after a few months or sometimes years. That is because shoving away something, or pushing it away denies a part of us.
The monsters in our minds are part of us, and all they are trying to do is help us and protect us. It’s the monsters that have protected us from getting into an even worse situation. Therefore we can be thankful for it. All monsters, all traumas, and fears we hold have both a good and a bad side. It’s the duality of life again. It’s what we should embrace. The monsters are bad in that we have allowed them too much power over our lives, but they are good because they have protected us from harm. In life, we want to strive to learn from the bad, and embrace the good. Therefore we should learn from our monsters by seeing that they have had a lot of control over our lives and that this is no longer necessary. As well as embracing their protective side, so that we can learn to protect ourselves when others attack us in any possible way.
In life, we want to strive to learn from the bad, and embrace the good.
We should strive to love our monsters. The way to do that is to look at them. Remember how you hid under your blanket when you thought there was a monster in your room? Well, now I want you to come out of your blanket just like you did when your mom entered the room and gave you loving kisses on your cheek and forehead. I want you to be the same. To crawl out underneath your hiding spot and be kind to yourself. It is scary to face the monsters you have created for yourself, so be kind. Be proud of your strength to face them, and then if you can look the memory that has become a monster in your mind straight into the eyes, forgive it. That’s love. That’s how we love our monsters. For me it meant both forgiving myself for not holding my ground, as well as forgiving my parents for getting angry with me. No side has done inherently wrong. We all act out of our emotions most of the time, and those aren’t always loving and kind. That’s why we cannot blame ourselves or the monster. We both deserve love.
Love isn’t a force that pushes things away, love is a force that pulls things closer so you can see their true beauty.
And then when we love our monsters they will leave. Just like you will be able to sleep peacefully again after your mother left. Love isn’t a force that pushes things away, love is a force that pulls things closer so you can see their true beauty.
Part Three: It Takes Time
This transformation and change take time. Well not time, but it takes practice. Some people might be able to change it in a day, others in a week, some in months, and others in years. It all depends on how willing you are to change it. How courageous you are, and how serious you are about healing this trauma, and loving this monster. For me it often takes weeks. My mind hasn’t been trained enough to focus on it long enough to heal the trauma that has become a monster in just one day. My mind takes longer to do so. Which is fine. Because with the two steps that I’ve explained to you I can easily let the monster transform into a huggable teddy bear again.
All it takes for me now is to recognize when the monster comes up again, seeing that it no longer holds power over me, and loving it. Those three things have allowed me over and over again to convert the monsters to my side instead of against me. To be honest with you, transforming our monsters so they take our side holds tremendous power. It’s a force to be reckoned with when you learn to forgive and love your monsters. They are strong and hold a lot of energy for you to use. That energy will allow you to achieve your wildest dreams with ease. To live a beautiful life with energy and excitement.
All that energy that we gave to the monsters over all these years has been stored within them. By loving them, making them our allies we tap into that tremendous energy. We can use it. We can move forward with it. And we can make a big impact with it. Love, my dear reader, that’s the answer here. To be at peace with your monster. To love them, to see them, to recognize them, and to not give them control over your life any longer. To go to bed at night and feel no fear anymore. To be able to end your day and say Today I Lived! I have loved my monsters, they are part of me now, and I will make the most of my days.
Thanks for reading, see you in the next one. Check me out on Instagram @today.i.lived where we together learn and celebrate life. Or check out my newsletter called Rise With The Sun where I share three thoughts to celebrate life each week. Have an amazing day, and remember Today You Live! Make the most of it.